What is the Most Important Trait You Look For in a Man?

Intellectual compatibility is at the top of my list. But I'm not deluding myself into thinking that's what men look for in women.

You know when you see those couples sitting across from one another where the guy is far from good-looking and the woman is outrageously gorgeous, and she's going on and on about whatever-it-is-that-she's-going-on-and-on-about and the guy is eating his food, completely drowning out the sound of her voice, wishing he was somewhere else? Clearly, there is no intellectual compatibility happening here and I wonder if the beautiful girlfriend, sex and credit card bills are worth the sound of her voice and intellectual incapacity.

I had an experience last year with my own "blonde" scenario. He was brunette actually, from Brazil, a trainer and aspiring musician, who I will call Leonardo. Leonardo and his American friend, Mike, were standing behind me at a Cost Plus World Market, as I was pricing rugs. I happened to turn quickly and caught them looking at me. This doesn't usually happen, so I wasn't sure exactly what it was they were doing. But Leonardo copped to the fact that he had seen my red hair from across the parking lot and dragged his friend with him into the store to check me out closer. Most guys wouldn't give you this information because they would try to play it cool, which is why Mike said, "Dude, don't tell her that." I laughed. Clearly, Leonardo wore his heart on his sleeve and that was ok with me.

He was dark and handsome with a Brazilian accent and an awesome body. Mike did most of the talking, while Leonardo nodded and chimed in words here or there. Somehow we got on the discussion of kids and I said I did not have any kids, nor did I have plans to bring any more children into this world. Leonardo said, 'But if you got pregnant, then you would have a kid right?" My first thought was, at 44, it would be difficult for me to just 'get pregnant' without lots of doctors, test tubes and artificial insemination, and this is a road I have no desire to go down. When I'm 50, I want to be traveling around the world and be living a leisurely lifestyle, not driving my kid to soccer practice. My second thought was, this guy is already thinking about poking holes in the condom, and getting me pregnant-- and I don't even know his last name.

It had been quite some time since any stranger approached me and asked me out on a date. So I gave Leonardo my number, which he promptly punched into his cell phone. Mike told him to dial me and make sure I gave him my correct number. He didn't. He already knew I did and he was right. Leonardo was definitely more trusting and trustworthy than Mike.

We met for lunch a few days later and walked around the Grove in Los Angeles. We went into a Barnes & Noble and I followed Leonardo to the metaphysical section. He knew right where the "Birthday Book" was and took it off the shelf so we could read how our relationship might work out. We were no match made in heaven according to the book, but mostly because Leonardo had not remembered my birth date correctly. We made the adjustment and discovered we would still need to work really hard to make our relationship last. I thought it was funny but Leonardo took this information to heart.

We dated briefly and, honestly, there wasn't much talking happening. I had not been seeing anyone for quite some time so the sexual activity was welcome. The only problem was I couldn't have an intellectual conversation with Leonardo. He was quite knowledgeable of nutrition and training the physical body, but we couldn't connect much past those two topics, or him talking about wanting to get back into music business again. (Apparently Leonardo was in a famous 80s Brazilian band that had a hit song-- think Flock of Seagulls, but with dark hair). I found myself sitting across the table from him, drowning out his voice and wishing I was somewhere else.

One night he wanted me to try his favorite pizza from a Bossa Nova. We conversed on the phone for about 7 minutes discussing how he would pick up the pizza, and I would make the salad and buy a bottle of wine-- a conversation that should really only take about 30 seconds. We went back and forth, me always repeating the same end result-- he was getting the pizza and I was making salad and getting wine. He texted me at every turn: when he left his house, when he arrived at the restaurant, when he got the pizza and when he was on his way to my house. I precisely knew when to open the door (since he had just texted me that he was at the front door). He followed me into the kitchen and said in his heavy accent, "Oh Carolyn, why did you make a salad? Oh Carolyn, now we have so much food." This was typical. I would repeat things over and over and Leonardo would always react as if it was the first time he heard it. And, "No, really?!" was his constant refrain.

The more I sat across from him and listened to him drone on and on about food, working out or his music career going nowhere, the less interested I was in sleeping with him. Could I have a purely sexual relationship with someone who I didn't connect with on an intellectual level? I know people do it all the time. But I was starting to feel like the man in this relationship and that's not a role I wanted to fill. I'm very independent, but when it comes to relationships, I like to be the woman and I want the man to be the man. Leonardo was definitely sweet, a nice person and honest-- all good traits I admired in him. But I just couldn't continue. At this point in my life, I didn't want to be in a relationship that was only all about sex. I wanted someone who could go on mental and physical journeys with me. I stopped answering Leonardo's texts. "I pulled a dude," according to one of my male friends. Leonardo promptly de-friended me on Facebook and then sent an email a week later asking why I no longer wanted to see him. It was a fair question, so I replied to him that even though we communicated very well on a physical level, we were not compatible intellectually and that I was interested in pursuing a long-term relationship.

Two months later I ran into Leonardo at Chipotle at the Grove. We chatted a bit and as I was getting into my car, Leonardo asked if I would be interested in seeing him again. "A friend with benefits?" he asked. I repeated again that I was looking for a long-term relationship. "No, really?" he asked, "I thought you didn't want a long-term relationship". "Exactly," I said, as I got into my car and drove off.