"Carolyn's stories are like a cozy blanket, a pair of stretchy pants, a lifetime movie, and a pint of ice cream to come home to after a DUMB! dating experience. It makes you breathe a sigh of relief and think "Phew! Its NOT just me!!!!!!". -- Ozlem (my hairdresser)

Love the blog Carolyn!! Just read every entry - it's all great! really interesting and a lot I could relate to-- it's hard for me to imagine you having any trouble meeting guys, but I love the honesty and openness of your voice.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Transforming Lives... and 57 Orgasms (Part 2)

I met a friend for an early dinner last Sunday at Baby Blues on Santa Monica. He knew I had a lot of work to do later, so he offered me a vitamin capsule that would provide the energy I needed to get everything done. "I get these at GNC and take one before I work out," he said. I didn't want to drink coffee this late in the day so I swallowed one, thinking it would only last a couple of hours. "Oh no Sweetie, that one capsule lasts about ten hours". It was 5:00pm. "Are you kidding me? I'm going to be up until 3:00am?" I exclaimed, completely unhappy by this news. "Call me. I'll be up too," he said. No! I needed sleep before starting another busy week.

I went home and not only did I accomplish all my work, but I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, walked my dog, organized my closets, spruced up the back yard, watered the plants and still had energy to burn. So when Scott arrived at 9:00pm, I was ready to have a cocktail, hoping to mellow out my wired buzz. Completely amped on this energy pill, I walked quickly and talked faster than normal, en route to a neighborhood restaurant.

As we sat down, I said to Scott, "Listen, a friend of mine gave me this energy capsule and it's really making me edgy." "I'm glad you told me," he said. "That explains why you were walking so fast. I can clear that out of your system if you like."

Scott wrapped his hand around my leg, just above my knee and squeezed really hard. "This will open up your spleen," he explained, as I winced in pain. He talked me through an exercise, telling me to visualize energy rising up through my body to my head and then back down to my toes, which I then imagined the energy sinking into the ground, with roots sprouting from my heels and growing deeper into the earth. "Imagine a golden shower pouring over you and cleansing your entire body," he said. He repeated the whole sequence a couple of times and then asked me how I was feeling.

Whether it was psychosomatic, or if the process actually worked, I do not know. However, my speech slowed and I no longer felt the urge to grind my teeth. "I have a bag of Chinese herbs in my car that might help open you up later," he offered. "We'll see how you're feeling, and then decide whether or not you need the herbs."

When the bartender arrived, Scott suggested I order a margarita. Apparently, certain alcohols perform particular functions in our body and tequila is very good for opening yourself up. (This is not news for anyone who has ever drank too much tequila!). I really did not want alcohol, but Scott insisted the tequila would help mellow out my body.

We started talking about relationships again. Scott was explaining that society needs to understand that women drive relationships. "If there's an accident, it's the woman's fault," he said, explaining that fault has no right or wrong, but since the woman is driving the car, it is always her fault-- and then it becomes the man's job to fix the wreck, so the couple can get back on the road to finish their journey. I wasn't buying Scott's simplified version of relationships, however, I did realize I've been in relationships where I was the driver and the fixer.

"Well then you're with a pussy," he said. "You don't want to suffer with Joe Pussy, especially when there's a smorgasbord right here in front of you." Hearing a grown man say 'pussy' repeatedly, and describing himself as a smorgasbord was quite disturbing.

He continued, "If you don't pick at the smorgasbord, and eat it and drink it and take it into your body, then you will walk out of here starving and go look for a pussy to beg off of." I felt like I was suddenly caught in a Seinfeld episode about "The Pussy Guy".

"Do you get it?" he continued. I got it, but I didn't want to eat off his plate. I checked the clock.

"What are you looking for in a man?" Scott asked as I looked around the restaurant, planning my escape. I thought of another way to answer the same question I am always asked. "I want connection, friendship, love and commitment. "Well," Scott said, "you're looking in all the wrong places, because you haven't found deep love and friendship within yourself." Yes, Scott spouted the same answer that every so-called guru, metaphysical healer and pop psychologist claims. What we seek outside ourselves, is what we lack within, and somehow whatever we lack, instantly shows up once we find whatever 'it' is, in ourselves.

I grew weary of Scott's diatribes. I fantasized crawling under my comforter, my head laying down on my fresh sheets and falling into a deep sleep. Scott walked me back home but before we got to my door, he retrieved the chinese herbs from the trunk of his car and brought them inside.

"So what exactly do the Chinese herbs do?" I asked. "Well they open you up," he said. "They open up your mind, your head, your eyes, your lungs, your pussy, your heart, your legs..." he continued. The more Scott talked, the more every molecule in my body tightened and lifted a shield of armor. "But I'm feeling your vibe and I'm feeling the vibe of the herbs and I'm not feeling you need the herbs tonight," he said. Was it because I was sitting at the other end of my sofa with my arms folded across my chest?

I stood up and opened the door for Scott. Another night had passed, this time with talk of golden showers, open legs and pussies... I agreed with Scott. I have been looking for love in all the wrong places.

We will have millions of relationships in our lifetimes, and whether our relationships last a minute, an hour, two years, four decades or a lifetime, every relationship will eventually end and my 'relationship' with Scott had reached its conclusion.

Maybe the right man will come into my life now that I am "clear" of the shadow on my lung, say goodbye to pussies, vow always to be the driver and not the fixer in a relationship, and love myself exactly as I am... or maybe not. But what I do know is to love, appreciate, nurture and enjoy the relationships I do have in my life, for as long as I am fortunate enough to have them.