I've gone out on a number of dates this past week, but haven't met anyone I want to see again. "Really?" asked my sarcastic friend Amanda, who is also online dating. "What a surprise since there are so many fantastic men in this town!"My brother mentioned a book called, "Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex," written by a former producer for Oprah. I skimmed the list of what makes a guy bad date material and agreed with a couple of comments, like "guys who don't like animals," "bad spellers" or "heavy texters".
Bad spelling has always been a pet peeve of mine, and you can't get to know a person through text messaging. However, many of the other items on the list were ridiculous like, "guys who order salads," or "guys who can't grow a mustache" or "Mr. Have You Met My Chest?" for the guy who has one too many shirt buttons unbuttoned. (However, if a guy's in really good shape, I personally take no offense to this entry and, depending on how the date goes, may want to see more).
I found the list mostly superficial, but wondered why I was not excited about a second date with any of the men I met recently. Maybe I was being superficial too.
First, there was Jason, who I met at the Four Seasons for a drink. He works as a CPA in the entertainment industry and is quite a bit older than me. He was unable to look me in the eye and spoke directly to my forehead the entire evening. No matter how much I adjusted my position on the barstool, Jason adjusted his eye line, directly to my hairline. Making eye contact with him was completely impossible. I now know what it must be like for women who have big boobs and guys talk directly to their chests. Granted, talking to my forehead was completely different, but disconcerting all the same.
Jason was quite animated. He spun a detailed story about one particular position he held, starting in 1983 and ending... an hour and forty-five minutes later. After three Jacks on the rocks, his speech was a little looser and his saliva sprayed a fine mist. When he began the third act, and finally reached the climax of his tale, he drooled. I did not see where it landed and pretended not to notice, by focusing on his forehead.
Then there was Luke, who is my age. We met at a coffee house in Encino. He's fair-skinned, with light blue eyes and was wearing a horrible, beige, knit sweater, blue jeans, white socks and black shoes. When meeting someone for the first time, I like to make a good impression. If this is the best you got, then it can only go downhill from here.
Once we sat down, Luke said that since he had my cell phone number, he googled me. He scoured the internet and knew more about me, than most of my own friends. I was a little creeped out by his admission. So, since he knew so much about my life, I asked what he did for a living. He immediately began to apologize for his career, "Oh, my job is not so interesting. It's really boring," he said. "But I guess I did ok since I raised four kids with it." I asked him again what he did for a living. "Well, I sell ad space on bus benches, " he stated. "Most of my clients were realtors and I was making bank, until the real estate market bottomed out."
Luke was an affable guy, but I wasn't feeling much chemistry. I am looking for a partner and he is looking for someone to make his life more exciting. We said our goodbyes and I got into my car. Thirty seconds later, Luke texted me a photo of himself and a text message that read, "I can be a lot more fun then today... I promise!" :-D Call me if you're interested, if not... phooey! :-)" He was apologizing again. And, up until what age is it appropriate for a man to text multiple smiley faces to a date?
Twenty minutes went by and my phone chirped with another text. Again, it was from Luke. "P.S. Please ignore the hideous picture I just sent. After further review, I really wish I could take it back. Do I really look like that? (sigh)." Instead of calling me on the phone, Luke was unwittingly playing out the same infamous scene in "Swingers" via his repeated texts. (And by the way, I'm hoping he isn't still googling me and finding this blog).
I've grown tired of all the lists about what makes men 'undateable'. I would much rather focus on all the good things women look for in men. For me, a sense of humor is a must and suggests a strong intellect as well. Or... does he open the door, does he listen as much as he talks? Is he gracious? Is he nice to me, as well as the people around us? A quick survey of the women around me suggested adjectives such as: confident, good-natured, soulful, outgoing, adaptable, honest and faithful. Unlike Amanda, I know there are plenty of amazing, single men in Los Angeles. I just haven't quite figured out where to find them.
Luke or Doug? Sort that out.
ReplyDelete"confident, good-natured, soulful, outgoing, adaptable, honest and faithful."
None of that is likely to come across over drinks, although its easy enough to construct an idea of what those qualities would look like if all you've got is forty-five minutes in a bar to display them to a smart, good-looking and picky woman you've never met before. If you wanted to convey to me -- in a bar, in forty-five minutes, and to a complete stranger -- that you were honest, how would you go about doing that? Soulful? Adaptable?
If you stop and think about the way you actually met the people you dated long-term -- fell in love with, went to bed with, daydreamed about marrying -- it almost certainly didn't start with drinks in a bar. Chances are you met them in circumstances which enabled you to spend some time observing how they behaved around other people, how they handled themselves in situations that were both more banal and more complex -- and certainly less performance-oriented -- than drinks in a bar, a cup of coffee, dinner out.
When I was on Match.com, I eventually stopped meeting people for drinks. Every woman I met that way was so obviously uncomfortable with it that it seemed a mean-spirited way to start. Later, I insisted on some kind of activity-date where we had to interact with other people. The farmer's market was good, or I'd ask for help shopping for a birthday present for a friend. I wanted mostly to see how they interacted with other people, not me -- I assumed they were most certainly not going to be at their best upon meeting me for the first time no matter what we did, out of sheer nervousness. Most people don't "present well" when they feel like they're performing and being graded. And, my dear, you are most certainly grading these jokers.
The qualities you're looking for are difficult to convey under the best of circumstances, but you're asking men to convey them in the most difficult conceivable circumstances. This makes it a lot easier to say no to a second date than yes. I'll assume that's not your purpose, although I'm not entirely sure that's a fair assumption on my part. But if that's true, why aren't you meeting these men in circumstances in which it's easier to discern whether they actually have the qualities you're looking for or not? By meeting men in a bar and judging them on how they perform in that environment, the winner is going to be a guy who spends a lot of time in bars trying to convey sincerity to attractive, skeptical strangers of the opposite sex. I don't get the impression that's what you want in the first place, so why are you starting there?
Is this how your happily married friends met each other? When you ask them whether their first impressions of their spouse were accurate, what do they tell you?
OK, I know I am an old way too long married lady who married wayyyy tooooo young, but any guy looking at your forehead (had it been you fab hair, ok) and the other one with a bad sweater in L.A. (no excuse), forget it, under any circumstances is bad-a-AD-BAD. I am sitting here on my balcony in fabulous South Beach and tempted to tell you to bring you blog here and test it but afraid all the gorgeous ones are gay or old and married to very young Brazilian women who weigh 20 pounds. But you never know we could find you a great rich Cuban guy whose wife died tragically young and left him childless and he has always had a thing for red heads. Let me start asking. Okay, amiga???
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