My parents divorced when I was 10. I remember the day my dad left. My sister and I sat on the end of the bed, hugging our crying mom, who had finally mustered up the courage to tell her unfaithful husband to leave. We didn't look up, and he didn't say goodbye, as his legs walked past the bedroom door, suitcase in hand.
Shortly thereafter, my grandfather bought my mom a new car. The more days that passed, the more life was slowly getting back to normal. The gossiping moms at our school had grown tired of pointing us out as the kids from the divorced family, and summer had finally arrived.
However, at this same time, my beloved grandfather's health began to fail and within a few months he died. A week after the funeral, his wife Mary, 35 years his junior and our step-grandmother, arrived at our house with the sheriff and a tow truck. She had secretly declared my grandfather incompetent and became power of attorney for his estate. Our car and home were now technically her property. After 17 years of marriage, the former ticket taker at my grandfather's movie theatre, showed her true colors and came to collect.
For better or worse, these childhood experiences may in part, explain why I have yet to walk down the aisle. Infidelity and betrayal were two ugly words I learned early in life. At the very same moment I threw my mom's car keys at Mary, I declared my independence, promising myself I would never count on anyone else for my own well-being.
I had not seen "John" since we broke up 12 years ago, even though we live in the same city. I was in the Borders Bookstore at the corner of Sunset and Vine and had just purchased "PostSecret," a book by Frank Warren, based on his website (postsecret.com) where people send in their secrets written with just a few words on a post card, covering a wide range of emotions including, fear, regret, betrayal, desire, and humiliation. "Free your secrets and become who you are," he says.
Many post cards about relationships have been sent into PostSecret. One card had a photo of a heavy-set woman wearing a wedding dress, standing next to her groom, with their faces scratched out. "I know he doesn't love me anymore" read her card. Another had a painting of a large red heart. It said, "I fear that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and I don't want to settle in order not to be". I understood this card. I have many wonderful male friends in my life, many of whom are married or in relationships, so I often wonder when I'm going to meet a wonderful man who builds a relationship with me.
We all have secrets and I have a few of my own... I have never been afraid of commitment, just committing to the wrong man. So, will I be 90 years old, living in a nursing home and finally meet my ideal man when he gets wheeled in next to me? Since I wasn't raised in a loving, supportive environment, I often wonder if I might not recognize real love and miss being with a great man. I'm worried I'll spend years finding out I'm with the wrong guy... again.
Wow! What a story. Weird thing, I can relate to many parts of it.
ReplyDeleteWomen like you are the toughest to love, because as a girl and throughout your adulthood you have been punished for loving a man: punished with lies and infidelity. In exchange for their love, men will receive mistrust from you -- it can't be any other way, but nonetheless it's fatal to a relationship.
ReplyDeleteHogwash Robert! It just hasn't been right Cooks. You are open and loving Cookie and if the right guy came along, I am sure you would be willing to make it work is my opinion. I also came from divorce and experienced all kinds of disaster as a child. The difference? I just married very young and did not have a chance to experience life and the reality out there, but it doesn't mean I have not experienced heartache and pain and the crap that life throws at you. Sometimes it takes more courage to stay in a long term relationship than to go experience life as you have (not that I am judging you, just an observation). If I had stayed single long I am not sure I could have adapted as easily to another person as I did early on. I am not as willing to change today as I was at 20. But YAY to going out and off the internet! And there are many people out there who care for you and one day your prince will come....
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